The Onion Radio

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Maddy Mitchell

(News Anchor)

A seven foot drinking fountain line breaks World record. It's the Onion Radio News. This is Maddy Mitchell reporting. Breaking news at a local middle school this afternoon as the World record for the longest drinking fountain line has been broken. The line is an astounding seven feet long, and blocking the hallway for those trying to get by. Shelby West is on the scene. Shelby, what's the latest?

Shelby West

(Reporter)

HALLWAY NOISES

Hello, Maddy. I'm standing here at Crescent View Middle School right next to this drinking fountain line, and let me tell you, it's even bigger in person. Students trying to get to class are becoming furious because the hallway is blocked by this line of thirsty teenagers.

Maddy Mitchell

Are there any leads as to why the line is so long?

Shelby West

It appears as if the students are extra thirsty today, due to the lack of air conditioning in the school. Even I am sweating in here!

Maddy Mitchell

Thanks, Shelby. We have word that the students will not be excused if they are tardy to their classes. Perhaps tomorrow the students will finally bring their own water bottles instead. 

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Maddy Mitchell

Maddy Mitchell for the Onion Radio News.

That Day

The sleepless nights and fights I do not miss,
But now all I can think about is you
Sometimes I think back to our very first kiss,
Or I picture your beautiful eyes of blue
Now here on this bed of wet tears I lay,
Saying goodbye was my biggest regret
So this is the price that I have to pay
I smoldered our love like a cigarette
I hope that you can find it in your heart
To forgive the trouble that I have caused
Ever since our love has fallen apart,
It's as if my life is forever paused
I hope you know I mean it when I say,
I wish I could just go back to that day

Super Short Poem With a Super Long Title

What Happens When You Cross a Disgusting Man in the Buffet Line that Grabs Everything in Sight and Uses His Hands Instead of the Little Tongs with an Impatient Clean Freak Mother that Cannot Take One More Minute of It

Broken Dishes