The Onion Radio

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Maddy Mitchell

(News Anchor)

A seven foot drinking fountain line breaks World record. It's the Onion Radio News. This is Maddy Mitchell reporting. Breaking news at a local middle school this afternoon as the World record for the longest drinking fountain line has been broken. The line is an astounding seven feet long, and blocking the hallway for those trying to get by. Shelby West is on the scene. Shelby, what's the latest?

Shelby West

(Reporter)

HALLWAY NOISES

Hello, Maddy. I'm standing here at Crescent View Middle School right next to this drinking fountain line, and let me tell you, it's even bigger in person. Students trying to get to class are becoming furious because the hallway is blocked by this line of thirsty teenagers.

Maddy Mitchell

Are there any leads as to why the line is so long?

Shelby West

It appears as if the students are extra thirsty today, due to the lack of air conditioning in the school. Even I am sweating in here!

Maddy Mitchell

Thanks, Shelby. We have word that the students will not be excused if they are tardy to their classes. Perhaps tomorrow the students will finally bring their own water bottles instead. 

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Maddy Mitchell

Maddy Mitchell for the Onion Radio News.

That Day

The sleepless nights and fights I do not miss,
But now all I can think about is you
Sometimes I think back to our very first kiss,
Or I picture your beautiful eyes of blue
Now here on this bed of wet tears I lay,
Saying goodbye was my biggest regret
So this is the price that I have to pay
I smoldered our love like a cigarette
I hope that you can find it in your heart
To forgive the trouble that I have caused
Ever since our love has fallen apart,
It's as if my life is forever paused
I hope you know I mean it when I say,
I wish I could just go back to that day

Super Short Poem With a Super Long Title

What Happens When You Cross a Disgusting Man in the Buffet Line that Grabs Everything in Sight and Uses His Hands Instead of the Little Tongs with an Impatient Clean Freak Mother that Cannot Take One More Minute of It

Broken Dishes

Historical Fiction

The Secret of the Lost Colony of Roanoke

   

There is not much to do on the ship. Even the waves have grown old. It’s been two weeks since we left England and we are only halfway to our new home. When my parents first told me we were moving to the New World I was angry. I did not think it was fair for them to take me away from my friends and family. Now, as I sit here on a big wooden ship in the middle of the ocean, I’m even more upset. Father says it will be a good experience for us, but deep down I know he is only in it for the money.

After the longest two weeks of my life, we finally reach land. My first impression as I get off of the ship is that there is nothing here at all. We really are starting from scratch. The land that we are settling on is an island just off the coast of the new continent that has been discovered. They call our island Roanoke. I like the sound of England much better. My father leads Mother and I to a spot he thinks we should build our new home at. He chooses an area near some trees and close to where all the other colonists are setting up their things. It’s too far from the ocean for my liking, so I speak up. “Father, what do you think about over there?” I point in the direction of the water. As soon as the words come out of my mouth Mother gives me a dirty glare. Father shakes his head and says, “This will do.” He grabs his axe and heads over to the trees.

“Please do not talk to you father like that ever again. Do you know how hard he is working to provide for our family? He is in charge, not you.” Oh boy, here she goes. “Do you think we came here for fun? This is business, Emily. Stay out of it, please.”  Mom says with a shaky voice. I don’t say anything back. Watching over my shoulder I sneak away as she starts building a fire to prepare supper.

I went over to the ocean, of course. I find a quiet spot on a big rock that overlooks the shore where I could be alone with nature. I open up my bag and pull out Romeo and Juliet, but I’m not in the mood to read. Instead, I close my eyes and breath in the sweet salty smell of the ocean. The next thing I know, I wake up and it’s dark.

Fortunately, there are still fires burning to guide me back to our tent. I’d like to imagine that my mother was worried and looking for me, but when I enter the tent I find her stitching up the hemline of a dress. She glances at me and says nothing, either too afraid to say sorry or waiting for me to break the ice first. Not until I finish eating supper does she say something, and not what I was expecting to hear. She says softly, “Your father...” By the tone of her voice I already predict what’s coming, something bad. ‘’He’s hurt.”

    My father had been attacked by a native. He has a big wound on his neck, it appears to be a bite mark, but he won’t tell us what it’s from. In fact, he won’t tell us anything at all. He just lies awake all night in pain, groaning. He’s been like this for three days. Nobody knows what’s wrong, even the most experienced of the colonists. The men that were chopping down trees with him were too far away to see what happened, but they are insisting it was the work of a native. No animal would do this him and leave him alive. Mother is distraught and even more grumpy than usual. I wish I could comfort her, but I don’t know what to say. Instead, I just escape to the ocean and read my book.
When I get to the ocean I see a boy. He is down on the rocky shore trying to skip rocks across the ocean surface . I’ve never seen him before, he looks about my age. Was he on the ship? I realize I’m staring so I quickly open up my book to hide my face. I peek above it and see that he is climbing his way towards me. Seconds later, he comes and takes a seat next to me and says, “I don’t believe we’ve met before.” He wipes his hands on his pants and holds one out. I shake it. Hey says, “My name is William, and you are?”
“Emily, Emily Smith.” I set my book down and look at him. I instantly am drawn to his eyes, a bright blue that resembles the sparkling surface of the ocean when touched by sunlight.
“Smith, you say? So it was your father the vampires attacked.”
“He was attacked, yes. But by the natives. What are vampires?”
“Natives, vampires, same thing. You mean you haven’t noticed?”
“Noticed what?”
“The bite mark.” So it was a bitemark. But how? He must notice that I’m confused, because he says, “I can show you, it will make a lot more sense.” He grabs my hand and helps me up, then we walk towards the forest.

    “I’ve always believed in vampires, ever since I was little,” He explains to me as we walk.
“They are fascinating creatures that appear to be human, except for the fangs. That’s what they hunt with, you know.” It takes a second to sink in, and then I ask,
“So if they bit my father, what’s going to happen?”
“Honestly, I don’t know.” I’m about to say something when William puts his finger on my lips. He mouths the word “look”. My eyes follow the direction of his pointing hand. Behind some trees, there are two of them. They look like us, only tan and in strange clothing. Both are men with long black hair, about the same length as mine. They are talking to each other quietly, a look of concern on their faces. I can’t understand them because they are speaking in a different language. Suddenly there is movement in a nearby bush and both vampires grab bows off of their backs. They load their arrows and release before I can even comprehend what’s happening. There is a squeal from behind the bushes, and then silence. The vampires hurry over and pull out a dead rodent of some sort, I think it’s a squirrel. What they do next makes me want to gag. They take turns biting its neck and drinking the blood, as if it were a fresh juicy apple.

The next day I wake up to screaming. I look outside my tent and see that everybody is running. Mother is crying, sitting in the corner. It is complete chaos outside, bodies littered on the ground. They aren’t dead though. They are groaning in pain, just like Father. Father! Where is he?

“Mother! Mother! What’s happening? Where is Father?” I run over and grab her arm. She looks up at me with eyes full of tears and cocks her neck to the side, revealing a bite mark. The vampires got her. I run outside and in the heart of the chaos I see William, just as a vampire sinks its teeth into his neck.
    “No!!” I scream. I rush over and grab his hand, but he resists.
“Run away, Emily, run aw-” And then I feel it. The cold fangs quickly dig their way into my neck as I drop to my knees, still clutching Wiliam’s hand. 

     The next thing I know I'm awake and thirsty for blood...


   

Problem Situation (Character)

Emily opened the refrigerator, releasing a deadly smell that made her want to gag. She slammed it in disgust and walked over to the pantry instead. She scanned the shelves for something that looked appetizing then gave up and pulled out a phone. She dialed the number of Papa Johns which she had memorized and ordered a medium thin crust pizza with tomatoes and mushrooms. After she got off the phone, Emily wrote a message to Messie, her filthy new roommate, on a sticky pad and placed it on her door. It said:

Messie-

I’ve ordered take out 4 times this week.

Please clean up.

    -Emily

   

After the delivery man arrived, Emily took her pizza up to her room and ate every piece. She had debated whether or not to save some for Messie, but instead came up with a better plan. She took the empty grease stained box and threw it into Messie’s room. Emily didn’t want to be home when Messie discovered this so she went outside and took a walk. When she got back home, the kitchen was spotless. On her door was a note that said,

   

Emily-

    I hired a maid.

She only charges $50 a week!

    Hugs,

    Messie

Secret Life of Veggies

The Harmons manager made one final round throughout the aisles of the store to make sure that nobody was inside. Then, he flicked out the lights and left, locking the doors behind him...
"CLEAR!" Yelled the cucumbers, as they hopped onto the floor. The rest of the produce joined in shorty after and the party began. The veggies danced to the music, enjoying the time to stretch their sore limbs out. Cauliflower wasn't dancing. She was staring at the DJ of the party, Brocolli. He was an artist when it came to playing music. She watched him in awe, wishing that she could dance with him. Carrot noticed the lonely veggie and hopped over and gave her a nudge.
"Just go ask him, Cauliflower. You aren't getting any younger standing around!" Cauliflower knew this was true, but she was just too shy.
"I can't, Carrot. I'm too shy."
"Nonsense, my dear. Here, follow me." Before Cauliflower even registered what was happening Carrot grabbed her and proceeded towards Brocolli. Cauliflower was turning pink with embarassment. She tried to break free, but Carrot had a tight grip on her. When they made their way to Broccoli, he took off his headphones and smiled.
"Hey girls, do you have a song request?" He looked at Cauliflower when he said this, which only made her turn a brighter shade of red. Carrot looked down at Cauliflower and winked.
"Actually, Cauliflower here would like to ask you to dance. Wouldn't you, dear?" Said Carrot, matter-of-factly.
"Um, yeah. But you really don't have to. I know you probably have a ton of other girls you would rather dance with and I'm just a little Cauliflower and-" Broccoli stopped her rambling by putting a finger up to her lips. "Ssshh little Cauliflower. I'd love to dance with you."
"Great! My work here is done." Exclaimed Carrot. And just like that, she hopped back over to the dance floor, leaving Cauliflower and Broccoli alone.
To Cauliflower's surpise, Broccoli led her away from the produce section to aisle 4. He took her hand and began dancing with her. It was awkward at first, but after the first song everything felt perfect. They both seemed to be enjoying themselves. Broccoli told her that he had always noticed her, and that he had also been too shy to talk to her. It was the best night of Cauliflower's life.

Excuse

Sorry I'm late! You'll never believe what happened. On the way to class today, a dog appeared out of no where and started gnawing on my shoe. I kicked desperately to make him go away but he took my shoe with him! My shoes had cost me $120 so I had no choice but to drop my bags and chase after him. Turns out he was a super fast runner so after about 10 seconds I stopped and thought up a plan. I quickly sprinted inside to the vending machine and purchased a bag of beef jerky. I ran back outside and shook it chanting, "Here doggy, doggy!" He came bolting around the corner with my shoe still in his mouth so we traded the jerky for the shoe. That's why I'm late!!

Quality

Lost is the new kid in school. He's late to every class and never has his homework. He hangs around with stress and anxiety a lot. There's something strange about Lost. He isn't completely with it. If you try having a conversation with him he gets distracted and says he has to go. Lost never has fun because he always trying to catch up with the world. When Lost is alone, he cries and cries. He doesn't know why everything is so hard for him. He doesn't have a mom or dad to guide him. Stress and anxiety try to help him out but they just make things worse. He wishes that he knew Organized or Happy. They could help him out. For now, all Lost could do was keep to himself.

Classifieds Writing Assignment

COKE MACHINE $2500
     Wayne watched through the blinds as the truck drove away, carrying the Coke machine in its bed. A smile spread across his face as he counted out the $2500 cash that the businessman had handed him. He shoved it into his pocket and then walked down into his basement. He flicked the light switch and watched as the wall turned around to reveal his secret lair. There were several monitors, all with the same blank page displayed. Wayne pulled out a keyboard and typed in his password and watched as the screens changed to reveal the live footage of the inside of the Coke machine he had just sold. There was nothing inside yet, only the still cans of soda waiting to be vended. Wayne figured that the machine wouldn’t be up and running for probably another week. He would have to wait awhile to have his fun.
     Just as he had suspected, the first victim appeared eight days after he had sold the machine. It was the businessman he had sold the machine to, all dressed up in a black suit. Wayne watched him as he tried to make sense of what was going on. When he had inserted hisr dollar to buy a can of pop, the magic curse of the Coke machine kicked in and zapped him down to the size of a pinkie. The next thing he knew he was suddenly trapped inside of the machine, surrounded by cans twice his size. With his eyes still glued to the monitor, Wayne pressed a button on his keyboard that sent a row of cans rolling straight toward the confused man. He screamed and ran as fast as he could but the cans were much faster. It only took six seconds before he was squashed. Wayne watched with delight and clapped his hands. This was more fun than he thought it would be.
     Over the next two weeks, Wayne had killed over 40 people and earned $50,000 from selling his film to Japan. The people of Japan couldn’t get enough of this new crazy game show. The Americans getting killed by their beloved soda cans was hilarious! One day, a policeman in Wayne’s town saw the TV show. He immediately recognized all of the people that were missing and worked hard to put the puzzle together. He was so close to solving the case when he decided to purchase a Coke. You know what happened to him. My advice to you is to never purchase from a soda machine, unless you want to be killed and famous in Japan.

Under the Rug

Today's journal was a ton of fun to write. Check it out!

Mr. Hobbs thought that he had already taken care of the situation. The bump was back, and only two weeks later. How many lives did rats have? He was sure that he had killed the rat originally. How was it possible that it had appeared again? Or was it a different rat of the same mutant size? There was only one way to check. Grasping the chair for protection, Mr. Hobbs inched towards the bump in the rug. He slowly extended his arm and lifted the rug up ever so delicately... But the rat wasn’t there.

“What the?” Said Mr. Hobbs, scratching his balding 86 year-old head. Suddenly, with a loud hiss, the rat appeared from behind. The old man dropped his chair in surprise and cowardly backed up into the corner of the room. Following him into the corner, the rat was watching Mr. Hobbs as if he were about to pounce on him like a cat would a mouse. Its eyes were red as blood and teeth sharper than needles. Mr. Hobbs whimpered and nervously glanced around him for something he could use as a weapon. Nothing. He was trapped and hopeless.

The rat had barely escaped the last time he had come to kill Mr. Hobbs. If not for his ability to play dead, he wouldn’t of made it out of there. But at last, he could finally get revenge on the old man for killing his family. His wife and kids were the victims of yet another greedy human, and he would not feel relieved until he could kill Mr. Hobbs himself. It had taken a whole year to eat up to his current size, and he was not going to let it go to waste.

When the rat was about a foot away from the man, he paused. A glimmer of hope danced across the man’s eyes, but then just as quickly turned into fear. The rat had jumped onto his body and was gnawing away at his old, wrinkled flesh. After a gruesome 12 minutes, all that was left of the man was his skeleton.

A Taste of My Work

I haven't ever actually saved anything that I've written because, quite honestly, I don't usually write as a hobby. I only write when required to but I've heard that I'm pretty good at it, so I figured I'd take this class and see what I can whip up. This is what I wrote in my journal last week when the theme was "Come here a minute. I want to show you something."

The Secret Box

"Come here a minute. I want to show you something."
"What is it?"
"Look inside."
"Oh my gosh... How did you get this?"
"I bought it."
"But that's got to be worth so much money! It's HUGE! What were you planning on doing with it?"
"Well, that depends. Do you like it?"
"It's beautiful, but what are you going to-"
"Will you marry me?"

Favorite Short Story

After thinking about this for awhile, I have finally decided that my favorite short story would have to be Alice in Wonderland. I have always loved this story ever since I was a little kid. If you didn't know it already, it's about a girl named Alice that falls into a rabbit hole and enters the magical world of Wonderland. I am too lazy to type the rest of the summary, so go read about it yourself!

Here's the link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice's_Adventures_in_Wonderland