The Onion Radio

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Maddy Mitchell

(News Anchor)

A seven foot drinking fountain line breaks World record. It's the Onion Radio News. This is Maddy Mitchell reporting. Breaking news at a local middle school this afternoon as the World record for the longest drinking fountain line has been broken. The line is an astounding seven feet long, and blocking the hallway for those trying to get by. Shelby West is on the scene. Shelby, what's the latest?

Shelby West

(Reporter)

HALLWAY NOISES

Hello, Maddy. I'm standing here at Crescent View Middle School right next to this drinking fountain line, and let me tell you, it's even bigger in person. Students trying to get to class are becoming furious because the hallway is blocked by this line of thirsty teenagers.

Maddy Mitchell

Are there any leads as to why the line is so long?

Shelby West

It appears as if the students are extra thirsty today, due to the lack of air conditioning in the school. Even I am sweating in here!

Maddy Mitchell

Thanks, Shelby. We have word that the students will not be excused if they are tardy to their classes. Perhaps tomorrow the students will finally bring their own water bottles instead. 

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Maddy Mitchell

Maddy Mitchell for the Onion Radio News.

That Day

The sleepless nights and fights I do not miss,
But now all I can think about is you
Sometimes I think back to our very first kiss,
Or I picture your beautiful eyes of blue
Now here on this bed of wet tears I lay,
Saying goodbye was my biggest regret
So this is the price that I have to pay
I smoldered our love like a cigarette
I hope that you can find it in your heart
To forgive the trouble that I have caused
Ever since our love has fallen apart,
It's as if my life is forever paused
I hope you know I mean it when I say,
I wish I could just go back to that day

Super Short Poem With a Super Long Title

What Happens When You Cross a Disgusting Man in the Buffet Line that Grabs Everything in Sight and Uses His Hands Instead of the Little Tongs with an Impatient Clean Freak Mother that Cannot Take One More Minute of It

Broken Dishes

Historical Fiction

The Secret of the Lost Colony of Roanoke

   

There is not much to do on the ship. Even the waves have grown old. It’s been two weeks since we left England and we are only halfway to our new home. When my parents first told me we were moving to the New World I was angry. I did not think it was fair for them to take me away from my friends and family. Now, as I sit here on a big wooden ship in the middle of the ocean, I’m even more upset. Father says it will be a good experience for us, but deep down I know he is only in it for the money.

After the longest two weeks of my life, we finally reach land. My first impression as I get off of the ship is that there is nothing here at all. We really are starting from scratch. The land that we are settling on is an island just off the coast of the new continent that has been discovered. They call our island Roanoke. I like the sound of England much better. My father leads Mother and I to a spot he thinks we should build our new home at. He chooses an area near some trees and close to where all the other colonists are setting up their things. It’s too far from the ocean for my liking, so I speak up. “Father, what do you think about over there?” I point in the direction of the water. As soon as the words come out of my mouth Mother gives me a dirty glare. Father shakes his head and says, “This will do.” He grabs his axe and heads over to the trees.

“Please do not talk to you father like that ever again. Do you know how hard he is working to provide for our family? He is in charge, not you.” Oh boy, here she goes. “Do you think we came here for fun? This is business, Emily. Stay out of it, please.”  Mom says with a shaky voice. I don’t say anything back. Watching over my shoulder I sneak away as she starts building a fire to prepare supper.

I went over to the ocean, of course. I find a quiet spot on a big rock that overlooks the shore where I could be alone with nature. I open up my bag and pull out Romeo and Juliet, but I’m not in the mood to read. Instead, I close my eyes and breath in the sweet salty smell of the ocean. The next thing I know, I wake up and it’s dark.

Fortunately, there are still fires burning to guide me back to our tent. I’d like to imagine that my mother was worried and looking for me, but when I enter the tent I find her stitching up the hemline of a dress. She glances at me and says nothing, either too afraid to say sorry or waiting for me to break the ice first. Not until I finish eating supper does she say something, and not what I was expecting to hear. She says softly, “Your father...” By the tone of her voice I already predict what’s coming, something bad. ‘’He’s hurt.”

    My father had been attacked by a native. He has a big wound on his neck, it appears to be a bite mark, but he won’t tell us what it’s from. In fact, he won’t tell us anything at all. He just lies awake all night in pain, groaning. He’s been like this for three days. Nobody knows what’s wrong, even the most experienced of the colonists. The men that were chopping down trees with him were too far away to see what happened, but they are insisting it was the work of a native. No animal would do this him and leave him alive. Mother is distraught and even more grumpy than usual. I wish I could comfort her, but I don’t know what to say. Instead, I just escape to the ocean and read my book.
When I get to the ocean I see a boy. He is down on the rocky shore trying to skip rocks across the ocean surface . I’ve never seen him before, he looks about my age. Was he on the ship? I realize I’m staring so I quickly open up my book to hide my face. I peek above it and see that he is climbing his way towards me. Seconds later, he comes and takes a seat next to me and says, “I don’t believe we’ve met before.” He wipes his hands on his pants and holds one out. I shake it. Hey says, “My name is William, and you are?”
“Emily, Emily Smith.” I set my book down and look at him. I instantly am drawn to his eyes, a bright blue that resembles the sparkling surface of the ocean when touched by sunlight.
“Smith, you say? So it was your father the vampires attacked.”
“He was attacked, yes. But by the natives. What are vampires?”
“Natives, vampires, same thing. You mean you haven’t noticed?”
“Noticed what?”
“The bite mark.” So it was a bitemark. But how? He must notice that I’m confused, because he says, “I can show you, it will make a lot more sense.” He grabs my hand and helps me up, then we walk towards the forest.

    “I’ve always believed in vampires, ever since I was little,” He explains to me as we walk.
“They are fascinating creatures that appear to be human, except for the fangs. That’s what they hunt with, you know.” It takes a second to sink in, and then I ask,
“So if they bit my father, what’s going to happen?”
“Honestly, I don’t know.” I’m about to say something when William puts his finger on my lips. He mouths the word “look”. My eyes follow the direction of his pointing hand. Behind some trees, there are two of them. They look like us, only tan and in strange clothing. Both are men with long black hair, about the same length as mine. They are talking to each other quietly, a look of concern on their faces. I can’t understand them because they are speaking in a different language. Suddenly there is movement in a nearby bush and both vampires grab bows off of their backs. They load their arrows and release before I can even comprehend what’s happening. There is a squeal from behind the bushes, and then silence. The vampires hurry over and pull out a dead rodent of some sort, I think it’s a squirrel. What they do next makes me want to gag. They take turns biting its neck and drinking the blood, as if it were a fresh juicy apple.

The next day I wake up to screaming. I look outside my tent and see that everybody is running. Mother is crying, sitting in the corner. It is complete chaos outside, bodies littered on the ground. They aren’t dead though. They are groaning in pain, just like Father. Father! Where is he?

“Mother! Mother! What’s happening? Where is Father?” I run over and grab her arm. She looks up at me with eyes full of tears and cocks her neck to the side, revealing a bite mark. The vampires got her. I run outside and in the heart of the chaos I see William, just as a vampire sinks its teeth into his neck.
    “No!!” I scream. I rush over and grab his hand, but he resists.
“Run away, Emily, run aw-” And then I feel it. The cold fangs quickly dig their way into my neck as I drop to my knees, still clutching Wiliam’s hand. 

     The next thing I know I'm awake and thirsty for blood...


   

Problem Situation (Character)

Emily opened the refrigerator, releasing a deadly smell that made her want to gag. She slammed it in disgust and walked over to the pantry instead. She scanned the shelves for something that looked appetizing then gave up and pulled out a phone. She dialed the number of Papa Johns which she had memorized and ordered a medium thin crust pizza with tomatoes and mushrooms. After she got off the phone, Emily wrote a message to Messie, her filthy new roommate, on a sticky pad and placed it on her door. It said:

Messie-

I’ve ordered take out 4 times this week.

Please clean up.

    -Emily

   

After the delivery man arrived, Emily took her pizza up to her room and ate every piece. She had debated whether or not to save some for Messie, but instead came up with a better plan. She took the empty grease stained box and threw it into Messie’s room. Emily didn’t want to be home when Messie discovered this so she went outside and took a walk. When she got back home, the kitchen was spotless. On her door was a note that said,

   

Emily-

    I hired a maid.

She only charges $50 a week!

    Hugs,

    Messie

Secret Life of Veggies

The Harmons manager made one final round throughout the aisles of the store to make sure that nobody was inside. Then, he flicked out the lights and left, locking the doors behind him...
"CLEAR!" Yelled the cucumbers, as they hopped onto the floor. The rest of the produce joined in shorty after and the party began. The veggies danced to the music, enjoying the time to stretch their sore limbs out. Cauliflower wasn't dancing. She was staring at the DJ of the party, Brocolli. He was an artist when it came to playing music. She watched him in awe, wishing that she could dance with him. Carrot noticed the lonely veggie and hopped over and gave her a nudge.
"Just go ask him, Cauliflower. You aren't getting any younger standing around!" Cauliflower knew this was true, but she was just too shy.
"I can't, Carrot. I'm too shy."
"Nonsense, my dear. Here, follow me." Before Cauliflower even registered what was happening Carrot grabbed her and proceeded towards Brocolli. Cauliflower was turning pink with embarassment. She tried to break free, but Carrot had a tight grip on her. When they made their way to Broccoli, he took off his headphones and smiled.
"Hey girls, do you have a song request?" He looked at Cauliflower when he said this, which only made her turn a brighter shade of red. Carrot looked down at Cauliflower and winked.
"Actually, Cauliflower here would like to ask you to dance. Wouldn't you, dear?" Said Carrot, matter-of-factly.
"Um, yeah. But you really don't have to. I know you probably have a ton of other girls you would rather dance with and I'm just a little Cauliflower and-" Broccoli stopped her rambling by putting a finger up to her lips. "Ssshh little Cauliflower. I'd love to dance with you."
"Great! My work here is done." Exclaimed Carrot. And just like that, she hopped back over to the dance floor, leaving Cauliflower and Broccoli alone.
To Cauliflower's surpise, Broccoli led her away from the produce section to aisle 4. He took her hand and began dancing with her. It was awkward at first, but after the first song everything felt perfect. They both seemed to be enjoying themselves. Broccoli told her that he had always noticed her, and that he had also been too shy to talk to her. It was the best night of Cauliflower's life.

Excuse

Sorry I'm late! You'll never believe what happened. On the way to class today, a dog appeared out of no where and started gnawing on my shoe. I kicked desperately to make him go away but he took my shoe with him! My shoes had cost me $120 so I had no choice but to drop my bags and chase after him. Turns out he was a super fast runner so after about 10 seconds I stopped and thought up a plan. I quickly sprinted inside to the vending machine and purchased a bag of beef jerky. I ran back outside and shook it chanting, "Here doggy, doggy!" He came bolting around the corner with my shoe still in his mouth so we traded the jerky for the shoe. That's why I'm late!!